As February begins, we are persistently reminded of “love”. Hearts and cupids and flowers and all the commercialized notions of love. But is all of that really love? I don’t think so. Not really. Certainly, I’m a fan of a heart shaped box of chocolates and a giant arrangement of flowers, but real love that holds a marriage together “until death do us part” is a lot more complicated than that. Lasting love requires work and adapting through the roller coaster of life.

    In my experience, both personally and professionally, love is really only held together by the way we connect with our partner. Connection is not about chemistry or attraction. It’s not about how many times a day we text or call our partner. It’s not even about having weekly scheduled date nights. Connection is about intention and attention. Now, don’t misunderstand me. I think chemistry and attraction are a great launching off point, and certainly frequent communication and date nights are good steps. However, even those things can become chores or seem mundane, if we’re just going through the motions.

    If we want a true connection that fosters long lasting love and relationship with our partner, we must be intentional in our communication and actions. Calling to exchange information is one thing, but noticing the exhaustion or frustration in your partner’s voice and giving them reassurance or encouragement during that exchange… well, that’s connection. If you simply say, “I love you” out of routine, I have no doubt that it would not have the same affect as when you stop what you’re doing, give full eye contact, draw closer to your partner, and speak the same words. A rushed kiss as you run out the door for work with a child squashed between you, pails in comparison to a warm embrace in which you both linger a little longer because it feels safe and reassuring. Connection!

    The truth is that often our spouse, though the most important person in the world to us, is the first to be put to the side. We subconsciously think “they’re not going anywhere, so they’ll understand if I prioritize… (insert the object of your attentions)”. We put our attention on the kids, work, extended family dramas, friends and a social life, anything else that comes up. In doing this though, we begin to make our spouse feel devalued, unimportant, and worst of all, unloved. In trying to manage life, we inadvertently neglect to put intention into our relationship with our spouse, which causes us to lose the connection we so desperately need to feel loved. Life floods us with responsibilities and stressors and changes, and it can be challenging to keep up with it all. But isn’t that exactly the benefit of having a life partner: someone with whom to share the burdens? How did we forget to include our partner in sharing the weight of it all? Are we protecting them from those stressors? Do we not trust them to help the way we need them to? Are we afraid of letting them know we, in fact, cannot do it ALL?

    Life is a roller coaster, and that is exactly why we need connection with our spouse. If we are connecting with our spouse, we are more likely to share our burdens. We are more likely to receive the support we need, and we are more likely to have help in managing that roller coaster. We need to have connection to feel loved. Yes, connection requires a little work and attention, but the benefits far exceed the cost of that work and attention.

    If your relationship needs to refocus on building connection, Mindful Upstate is here to help.